apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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