I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I wear drunk well.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
