Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
