After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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