non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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