Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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