I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
