I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize