I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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