you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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