Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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