Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
