I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
