I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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