We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
