So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
