i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
