if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
