The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
