in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
