I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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