No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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