I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
