shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize