he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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