She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
