I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize