Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
