the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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