How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
