i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
babies were throwing up all over the place
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
