apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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