I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
