I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
