By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
