Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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