i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
