don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize