Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
