Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
