So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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