I just threw up on my dentist
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
