You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
