Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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