If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
