Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
