How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize