you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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