she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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