Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
