yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
