My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
