i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
