the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
