I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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