I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
