Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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