I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
